This morning is just one of those mornings. A morning where I've gotten maybe 2 hours of restless sleep. A morning after questioning all my parenting decisions, wondering if I made correct ones? or if I could have made better ones. One where I cant seem to turn it off and delve into house work or other distractions. My brain keeps drifting back. A morning of fighting off tears for who knows what reason? They're just there. Ready to spill out. I find myself wondering why. Why is this sometimes so hard on me? Why cant I be a fierce warrior mama like so many I see? Why cant I just be strong? Now in all honestly I dont always feel this way. Most days I have an overwhelming sense of love and blessedness for having such an amazing family. Just every so often, on a day like today, doubt sneaks its way thru. And I feel broken. Helpless. Unworthy to parent my children. I struggle within myself. Wondering why I feel this way. How DARE I feel this way. And the guilt consumes me. I ask myself if I even have the right? There are so many other children and parents with issues far greater than ours. You can see their strength as you watch their fight. And here I sit with minor issues, a beautiful daughter with a full life ahead of her, and am about to lose my mind. I feel so stupid. Im just so tired. Tired of appointments. Tired of hoping. Tired of the paperwork. Just tired.
I just want to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. Like how I used to deal with bad days. But I cant. I want to. But I cant...
Here's to Monday, may tomorrow be brighter
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